Geogra Carlin citáty

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„Zamyslite s nad tým, aký hlúpy je priemerný človek a dôjdete na to, že polovica ľudstva je ešte hlúpejšia.“

„Nech sú sily zla na ceste k vášmu domu zmätené.“

„Tu je všetko, čo musíte vedieť o mužoch a ženách: ženy sú bláznivé, muži hlúpi. A hlavným dôvodom, prečo sú ženy bláznivé, je to, že muži sú hlúpi.“

„Dôvodom, prečo sa rozprávam sám so sebou je to, že som jediný, ktorého odpovede prijímam.“

„Smejte sa často, dlho a hlasno. Smejte sa tak silno, kým vám nedôjde vzduch.“

„Povedzte ľuďom, že na oblohe je neviditeľný muž, ktorý stvoril vesmír, a drvivá väčšina vám uverí. Povedzte im, že farba je mokrá a oni sa jej musia dotknúť, aby sa presvedčili.“

„Mám rovnakú autoritu ako pápež, len nemám toľko ľudí, ktorí by tomu verili.“

„Vlády štátov nechcú populáciu schopnú kritického myslenia. Chcú poslušných pracovníkov, ľudí dostatočne múdrych na to, aby dokázali ovládať stroje, a zároveň dostatočne hlúpych na to, aby pasívne akceptovali svoju situáciu.“

„Muži sú zo Zeme, ženy sú zo Zeme. Zmier sa s tým.“

„Mňau znamená v mačacom jazyku "haf".“

„Ako je možné rozpútať občiansku vojnu?“

„Robievam takú skutočnú hlúposť, ktorá sa volá myslenie. A zrejme nie som veľmi dobrý Američan, pretože si rád vytváram vlastné názory.“

„Neriešte malichernosti a nehladkajte spotené veci.“

„Náboženstvo je ako pár topánok ….. Nájdite si taký, ktorý sa pre vás hodí, ale nenúťte ma ich nosiť.“

„Bojovať za mier je ako j*bať pre panenstvo.“

„Hlavný dôvod, prečo je Santa tak veselý, je ten, že vie, kde žijú všetky zlé dievčatá.“

„Všimli ste si niekedy, že ak niekto ide pomalšie ako vy, tak je idiot a keď rýchlejšie, tak je šialený?“

„Ak sa pokúsite zlyhať a uspejete - ktoré sa vlastne stalo?“

„Páči sa mi, keď kvetina alebo kúsok trávy rastie cez trhlinu v betóne. Je to tak k**va hrdinské.“

„Úprimnosť je možno tou najlepšou politikou, ale je potrebné si uvedomiť, že potom očividne, neúprimnosť je na druhom mieste.“

„Nie je trochu znepokojujúce, že lekári nazývajú to, čo robia „praxou“?“

„Húsenica robí všetku prácu a motýľ dostáva všetku publicitu.“

„Ak je to pravda, že náš druh je vo vesmíre osamotený, potom musím povedať, že vesmír má nízke ciele a uspokojil sa s málom.“

„Ateizmus je neprorocká organizácia.“

„Nikdy sa nehádajte s idiotom. Len vás ponížia na svoju úroveň a porazia skúsenosťami.“

„Zašiel som do kníhkupectva a spýtal som sa predavačky: Kde je samoobslužná sekcia? Povedala, že ak mi to prezradí, stratí to zmysel.“

„Keď sa opýtam, koľko má vaše batoľa rokov, nechcem počuť "27 mesiacov". Stačí mi "má dva roky". Vaše dieťa nie je syr. A inak mi je to aj jedno.“

„Myslím si, že varovné nápisy na alkoholických nápojoch sú príliš nevýrazné. Mali by byť výraznejšie. Tu je jeden, ktorý by som navrhol: "Alkohol z vás urobí rovnakého kreténa, akým bol váš otec."“

„Dobré motto do života: Vždy sa snažte, aby vás nezabili.“

„Ak sa niekto s viacerými osobnosťami vyhráža zabitím, považuje sa to za rukojemnícku situáciu?“

„V každom cynikovi sa skrýva sklamaný idealista.“

„Ako to, že keď ide o nás, je to potrat, a keď ide o sliepku, je to omeleta?“

„V Amerike sa prezidentom môže stať ktokoľvek. V tom je problém.“

“Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line… I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me.”

“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts … Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”

“The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers…but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!”

“Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.”

“I wonder why prostitution is illegal. Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?”

“"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”

“There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.”

“If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.”

“And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles."”

“Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? First thing- "Hey! It was stolen!" It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. "Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!"”

“I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.”

“Some day birth control will come off prescription, and they'll need those cute little catchy names like the patent medicines have…some day birth control pills will have names like, "Preg-Not"! Doctors prefer "Embry-No"! Here's one for the ladies, "Nary-A-Carry"! Something lofty and poetic: "Nay Family Way"; something earthhy and crude: "Mom Bomb"; something for the youngsters, "Junior Miss"; here's a real man's product, "Inconceivable"! "Mommy-Not", "Fetus Fail", "Kiddie Kill", "Papa Stopper", "Womb Broom", "Humpty Dumpty"… I wouldn't be surprised if they came up with a birth control pill that doesn't work all the time; they'd call it "Baby Maybe!"”

“Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic.”

“Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!"”

“I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.”

“Birth control pills are still on prescription. You still need a note to get laid.”

“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body”

“It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.”

“This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, "Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died." "Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday." "Yeah? … Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?"”

“You might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. I leave that to others. And there's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Everyone says they suck. But where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they're elected by American voters. This is what our system produces, folks. This is the best we can do. Let's face it, we have very little to work with. Garbage in, garbage out.”

“I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.”

“Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a… secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.”

“I give you my revised list of the two commandments: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie", and "thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to". Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket, and I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment: "Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself".”

“We are on a nice downward glide. I call it circling the drain … And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty… Huish! And we'll be gone. And that's fine. I welcome it. I wish I could live 1000 years to watch it happen. From a distance — so I can see it all.”

“The fanatics have another name for fetuses. They call them the pre-born. Now we're getting creative. If you accept pre-born, I think you would have to say that, at the moment of birth, we go instantly from being pre-born to being pre-dead. Makes sense, doesn't it? Technically, we're all pre-dead.”

“Let's go for a drive OK? Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!"”

“When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. They never mention coffee. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it.”

“The planet is fine. The people are [bleeped out]. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live. They don't care about the planet in theory. They just care about having a comfortable place. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. That's what I say. That's what's happening, and I can't wait for the sea levels to rise. I can't wait for some of these cities to disappear. There are places that are going to go away. The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. They don't take into them the idea that we are part of it. They say, "oh, we're going for a nature walk. We're going to the country because we like nature." Nature is in here. [points to chest] And if you're in tune with it, like the Indians, the Hopis, especially, the balance of life, the balance, the harmony of nature, if you understand that, you don't overbuild. You don’t do all this moron stuff.”

“Let me get a sip of water here…you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells "No"] Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.”