„Skúsenosť je škola, v ktorej sa človek naučí, aký veľký hlupák bol.“

—  Josh Billings

„Je štatistickým faktom, že ničomníci pracujú usilovnejšie na tom, aby sa dostali do pekla, ako spravodliví na tom, aby vošli do neba.“

—  Josh Billings

„Jeden z najlepších dočasných liekov na pýchu a afektovanie je morská choroba. Človek, ktorý chce zvracať, sa nikdy nevyvyšuje.“

—  Josh Billings

„As in a game ov cards, so in the game ov life, we must play what is dealt tew us, and the glory consists, not so mutch in winning, as in playing a poor hand well.“

—  Josh Billings

Josh Billings on Ice, and Other Things https://archive.org/details/joshbillingsoni00billgoog (1868), Chapter XXIV: "Perkussion Caps", p. 89; republished in The Complete Works of Josh Billings http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/36556 (1876), Chapter 141: "Ods and Ens", p. 248. Often paraphrased as "Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well."

„The lion and the lamb may, possibly, sumtime lay down in this world together for a fu minnits, but when the lion kums tew git up, the lamb will be missing.“

—  Josh Billings

Affurisms: Slips of the Pen http://books.google.com/books?id=Wpk_AAAAYAAJ&q="The+lion+and+the+lamb+may+possibly+sumtime+lay+down+in+this+world+together+for+a+fu+minnits+but+when+the+lion+kums+tew+git+up+the+lamb+will+be+missing"&pg=PA227#v=onepage The Complete Works of Josh Billings (1876)

„We are happy in this world just in proporshun as we make others happy--i stand reddy tew bet 50 dollars on this saying.“

—  Josh Billings

„When a doktor looks me square in the face and kant see no money in me, then i am happy.“

—  Josh Billings

„Awl human happiness is conservatiff; 2 thirds ov the pleasure in sliding down hill consists in drawing the sled back. I don't serpoze thare would be enny fun in sliding down a hill 34 miles long.“

—  Josh Billings

„I don't beleaf in bad luck being sot for a man, like a trap, but i hav known lots ov folks, who if thare waz enny fust rate bad luck lieing around loose, would be sure tew git one foot in it enny how.“

—  Josh Billings

„I don't rekoleckt now ov ever hearing ov two dogs fiteing unless thare waz a man or two around.“

—  Josh Billings

„It iz comparitively eazy tew repent ov the sins that we hav committed, but tew repent ov thoze which we intend to commit, is asking tew mutch ov enny man, now days.“

—  Josh Billings

Affurisms: Jews Harps http://books.google.com/books?id=pkM1AAAAMAAJ&q=%22It+iz+comparitively+eazy+tew+repent+ov+the+sins+that+we+hav+committed+but+tew+repent+ov+thoze+which+we+intend+to+commit+is+asking+tew+mutch+ov+enny+man+now+days%22&pg=PA164#v=onepage, Josh Billings' Wit and Humor (1874)

„Tew bring up a child in the wa he should go—travel that wa yourself.“

—  Josh Billings

Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings, Chapter 78: "Domestik Receipts in Full" http://books.google.com/books?id=gNw-AQAAMAAJ&q=%22Tew+bring+up+a+child+in+the%22+%22he+should+go+travel+that+wa+yourself%22&pg=PA217#v=onepage (1865)

„Don't mistake vivacity for wit, thare iz about az mutch difference az thare iz between lightning and a lightning bug.“

—  Josh Billings

Josh Billings' Old Farmer's Allminax, "January 1871" http://books.google.com/books?id=sUI1AAAAMAAJ&q=%22Don't+mistake+vivacity+for+wit+thare+iz+about+az+mutch+difference+az+thare+iz+between+lightning+and+a+lightning+bug%22&pg=PT30#v=onepage (1870)

„I honestly beleave it iz better tew know nothing than two know what ain't so.“

—  Josh Billings

" Sollum Thoughts http://books.google.com/books?id=7rA8AAAAYAAJ&q=%22tew+know+nothing%22#v=snippet&q=%22tew%20know%20nothing%22&f=false". in Everybody's Friend: Josh Billing's Encyclopedia & Proverbial Philosophy of Wit & Humor (1874)
Variant:
I honestly believe it is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.
Varianta: I honestly believe it is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.

„When a man gits tew talking about himself, he seldum fails tew be eloquent, and often reaches the sublime.“

—  Josh Billings

„7 per cent haz no rest, nor no religion, it works nights, and Sundays, and even wet days.“

—  Josh Billings

„If I had 4 fust rate dogs i would name the best one "Doubtful" and the other 3 "Useless."“

—  Josh Billings

„I dont never hav enny trouble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me.“

—  Josh Billings

„I am poor, and I am glad that i am, for i find that wealth makes more people mean than it duz generous.“

—  Josh Billings